BREAKING THE CHAINS OF PORNOGRAPHY (Part I) “LET MY PEOPLE GO”
A strong theme ‘heard’ throughout the story of the Israelites’ Exodus from Egypt is oppression. God sent Moses to Pharaoh repeatedly to carry the divine message: Let My people go! But each time, Pharaoh refused. And each time, the Israelites would pray to God for freedom, and petition for liberation.
This too, was my song as the psaltery hymn played repetitively in my mind for the previous 27 years of my marriage. Captivity I have identified with—not because I had turned my back on God like ancient Israel, but because I am married to someone who had, following a different God than my God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. This new god he worshiped was called ‘pornography.’ My husband had been exposed to this when he was a small child, and its evil and destructive influence had remained, even as he fought hard to break free.
The influence of this ruler had complete control of my home through his evil spirits of contention, anger, idleness, apathy, and the worship of self my husband bowed down to. When this ruler showed his power through his buffetings, it was enough to erode our marriage relationship, break sacred, intimate trust, and put the home out of order—because he who was to lead the family in righteousness could no longer lead due to that ability having been revoked by God. Agency is lost with this sin. However, I only recently learned this; and this is where my story of freedom begins.
OPPRESSION
From as far back as I can remember, I have always wanted to be led by my husband. I had no interest in being one of those ‘strong,’ ‘liberated’ women who ruled over her husband. I grew up in a home with this view— with a mother who felt her daughters should have a backup career to take care of herself. There was much talk in my childhood home to fear men and to never rely on them. I never fell for this belief, but actually wanted everything to do with homemaking and becoming a strong woman in the sight of God in my role as a wife and mother. I wanted to learn to submit to a man, as he submitted to God. Learning that I played the role of the Church, and my husband would play the role of Christ was beautiful to me. These parts I could do—and could do them well.
However, I quickly learned that something wasn’t right. The internal battle began at this point for me, as I watched my husband evade his responsibility for leading the family in prayer, scripture study, Family Home Evening, raising the children, and teaching them correct doctrine. I watched as he was physically incapable of expounding scriptures, receiving direction for the family, feeling inspired when a child was struggling, or recognizing the Spirit. He had always been an active member of the Church of Jesus Christ, served a mission, but never had one spiritual experience in his life. Right from the beginning of our marriage, he began pushing onto me the responsibility for leading out on these spiritual things. This had not been part of the plan. Where was my leader, and why was this responsibility being shoved onto me? Why was he doing this?
For years I felt stuck. Try as I might, I simply could not find the answers to these perplexing questions. I never actually connected it to his pornography addiction. I thought maybe it was his birth order—perhaps it was his being the youngest child in his family that was causing him to shun his responsibility? Maybe it was because he had had tubes placed in his ears as a child, and as a result, never spoke until age 5. Maybe it was because he lacked an example growing up, as his parents traveled and were in leadership callings that kept them busy. I spent years searching for answers, and with each year that passed the resentment grew deeper and deeper. I became angry over this. I not only felt an intimate betrayal of our vows but a betrayal of my divine role as a female and mother. I did the best I could to gently remind him of his stewardship, prepping him behind the scenes to be a leader in front of his children. However, as the months turned into years, and the years into decades, I began to feel a loss of hope. Nothing was working, why was he not getting this? Was I really to lead my family when everything within me screamed that it was wrong?! Was I to spend my entire life under the influence of this false god, and all of the shame and secrecy that came with it? How would we ever raise a righteous family unto the Lord, following His revealed pattern? Every aspiration I had as a young girl seemed to have vanished—and all that was left was to plaster a smile on my face and pretend all was well.
With each year that passed and each ‘relapse’ my husband experienced, I lost more and more hope in finding freedom from the life of mental servitude. That freedom to love as God loved, the freedom to trust instead of fear, freedom in knowledge to know how to help my family or what will be of us eternally. Everywhere I turned, all I received were stats, and more stats, and stories of broken families. Because I didn’t know where to go for answers, we were falling prey to crafty orators, programs, and self-help books which were far from the truth and were leading us deeper into captivity. As a result, I spent years mentally preparing myself for the future: What if this was my lot in life? Could I live this way? What if this breaks up my family through a divorce?
But just as in the song written of Moses promising deliverance to the Israelites, and the blessings of freedom, I too began to wait patiently upon the Lord for my day of deliverance.
“You need not always weep and mourn… And wear these slav’ry chains forlorn. Your foes shall not before you stand! And you’ll possess fair Canaan’s land”
THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE
As I have been working on healing my home and putting things back in order after learning how incorrectly we were living the Gospel and raising our children, I have been turning to the Prophet Joseph Smith and his teachings. There are so many precious principles he taught when it comes to restoring the Biblical family, and as we have begun living these with exactness, an abundance of blessings have come. Truth has a power that can divide and cut through where no man or program can. Because of it, my home is now governed by the Lord. What we watch, eat, do with our time or amuse ourselves with, is derived from scripture and words of prophets. So when I learned that Joseph had taught about pornography as Christ’s spokesman, I needed to know those principles and to apply them as I had so many other times when his teachings had born so much fruit for my family. Courage, peace, and internal strength cannot be gained any other way than by faithfully following what the Lord has commanded—and when we follow with exactness, we gain power and confidence that is unshakeable.
The first thing I learned was that pornography is no different than adultery. Those who are involved with porn, adultery, fornication, etc. do not have the Spirit; they do not have the ability to receive revelation, have the Holy Ghost, or discern. Joseph revealed Christ’s words when he wrote:
“And he that looketh upon a woman to lust after her shall deny the faith, and shall not have the Spirit, and if he repents not he shall be cast out.” (D&C 42:23)
This made sense as I watched the man I love was suffering. I remember one night when he broke down, saying: “I just cannot lead. I do not know how to do it.” I sat there in bewilderment as I listened to him express his desire and weakness, but I still lacked empathy—for I did not understand how one could not lead when the pattern has been shown to him, if not through his family, through the Church and other good men in his life. So, hearing this scripture and putting it into context really opened my eyes to the fact that this was a real issue—that those who have sinned with any form of pornography are void of the Spirit. As I read this over and over I began to feel something for my husband I had never felt for him before: sympathy. He really could not lead. Everything was making sense now.
Joseph continues in teaching that all adulterers are liars; and that if they are struggling, they may have issues with honesty in other areas as well.
“The principle is as correct as the one that Jesus put forth in saying that he who seeketh a sign is an adulterous person; and that principle is eternal, undeviating, and firm as the pillars of heaven; for whenever you see a man seeking after a sign, you may set it down that he is an adulterous man.” (History of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, 3: 385.)
Once Satan gets a firm hold over one human weakness, he also applies his power to other weaknesses.
Continuing, I learned how those who struggle with pornography have also lost their ability to make choices from their own strength—they can’t do it on their own, even if they want to! I learned that they will need to submit daily to someone who is strong and can keep them accountable. This can be a brother, a father, a wife, etc. They have abdicated and lost their right to be the leader of their home, and will need someone stronger to step up and take charge while they are healing. They NEED us! They cannot do it on their own just as in the Book of Mormon story with Alma and his son. Alma’s fatherly counsel to Corianton in overcoming his own sexual sin.
“behold, have ye not observed the steadiness of thy brother, his faithfulness, and his diligence in keeping the commandments of God? Behold, has he not set a good example for thee? . . . I command you to take it upon you to counsel with your elder brothers in your undertakings; for behold, thou art in thy youth, and ye stand in need to be nourished by your brothers. And give heed to their counsel.” (Alma 39:1, 10)
So my thoughts quickly became: Did I trust God enough, and have strong enough faith, to heal the area of my home that was still captive and fettered to darkness?
UNLOCKING THE SHACKLES
Learning that my husband was totally incapable of leading my home—made so much sense! All those years I had lived in confusion, resentment, and darkness as I fought for clarity in my role—all while resisting his role. So much bitterness I had carried—but at this moment, that heaviness lifted. The shackles were broken, and I now felt a freedom I had never before experienced. I sat there and cried. I, as Moses’ people, had been delivered.
Now, many women, upon hearing that their husband’s pornography addiction was likened to that of adultery, would leave. I have had 5 dear friends in the past few years leave their spouses over this topic. Adultery is something that is serious and must be tackled head-on. However, no one can change if they are lied to or not taught how to change. It can not be whitewashed or shoved under the carpet—and I feel that that is what is happening in our church, counseling programs, etc. Where are the teachings regarding how the Lord views this sin, the eternal consequences, and how agency is actually forfeited/revoked?
With the new freedom I was experiencing from knowing that my husband was spiritually sick and needed to heal, I had a choice to make. Was I going to leave, or was I going to stay and help him? If this had been cancer, would I hand him the herbs and say, “God bless”, or would I tend to him daily, knowing that his life depended upon me? Well, this was the same, but a spiritual life-and-death matter—and if I truly wanted to save my family and my posterity, I would need to stay and apply the teachings I had just been blessed to learn. I had to see firsthand how one without agency gains it back. I wanted to see how one who is so enslaved and does not know that freedom—is to experience it first hand.
SACRIFICIAL LOVE
It has been said that perfect love is when one is willing to lay down their life for someone else. For years I have been studying this Christian attribute. I have truly felt the cry to learn this type of love as the Savior lived and taught, along with the blood of Israel that lives in my ancestors who willingly laid their lives down for freedom. Just as Christ loved us and submitted his will unto His Father as a fragrant offering and sacrifice, I have wanted to learn and experience this same submission.
This opportunity had come. I was about to find out what it really meant to love. Was I strong enough to lead my family in righteousness, and take on that responsibility without resentment? Was I physically able to be the partner my husband needed to break his addiction, and could I do it correctly? Was I willing to give up my life, seeking nothing in return—to a man who had betrayed me? Was I able to forgive? Yes (answered nervously).
I had to be willing to do this in order to learn what real love is and to be able to pass this kind of love down to my own children. Just as the oppressive measures of the pharaoh were not able to thwart the purposes of God in creating a great nation, neither will I allow pornography to thwart my desire for a righteous family when it comes to ensuring that my posterity is free from the chains of slavery, and are “let go.”
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