BREAKING THE CHAINS OF PORNOGRAPHY (PART 2) “THE BURDEN WAS HEAVY”
Sometimes simply carrying one’s burdens may be the very thing that saves the soul of another.
My husband, and friend, of almost 30 years has been suffering with an addiction to pornography for most of his life after being exposed to it at the home of a friend during his junior high years. Since that first exposure, pornography has kept my husband bound in heavy chains, as—with most addictions—his addiction has increased over the years.
I personally have experienced almost every possible negative emotion throughout our marriage due to this hideous vice that has wreaked chaos throughout our home. Mostly, I have felt defeated when programs have not worked and hope was repeatedly stripped away. As a wife and mother, I have always honored the role of my husband; it is a calling I revere, and a title I hold much love for. I have never tried to lead, or desired to, as I know it is his role. However, I have spent many years in deep frustration because of his inability to live up to this position and all that God had given him. My children needed a father who was invested in raising them in accordance with Scripture. But instead, they were raised with justifications for lower law, and what felt good at the moment. Somehow we never connected the ‘loss of the Spirit’ we experienced in our family to the lack of leadership in our home.
SURRENDERING AGENCY
Jesus Christ taught that one loses the Spirit when this particular sin occurs:
“And verily I say unto you, as I have said before, he that looketh on a woman to lust after her, or if any shall commit adultery in their hearts, they shall not have the Spirit, but shall deny the faith and shall fear.” Doctrine & Covenants 63:16
With pornography use—considered by God to be adultery—the underlying issue is that one surrenders their agency, or the ability to act for oneself. When we knowingly sin, we lose some of our ability to control ourselves—with each exposure sinking deeper and deeper into a life of servitude, deeper into that dark realm where we seek a sense of satisfaction but are never satisfied. It’s an appetite that doesn’t fade and only increases—until it has taken over and controls one’s life. As with any addiction, whether it be alcohol, drugs, prescription medicine, gambling, cigarettes, or even food, it is a form of idolatry. So many people are dying a slow death because their addictions have a chokehold on them. With the demonic nature of this enslavement; the only thing that can free a person from its hold is the omnipotent power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Ever since Primary, we have all heard that the first commandment of God is, “Thou shall not have any other gods before me.” When a person has an addiction, they are literally submitting their will and bowing to that addiction as their god. There is the world of the flesh, and there is the world of the Spirit, and they are mutually exclusive in that no person can serve two masters. You’re either going to hate the one, and love the other; or else you will hold to the one, and despise the other. (Matthew 6:24) The Spirit cannot dwell in unholy temples, and the level of withdrawal of the Spirit depends on the severity of the sin. Often there is a different spirit veiling the one engulfed in sin, and that influence makes it very difficult—and sometimes impossible—to make inspired decisions and receive revelation for a family, which is the basis for leading a home. To lead a home means to receive revelation and direct as God would if He was present… So the only cure for my husband was to commit his life completely to the things of the Spirit.
Learning this truth brought the realization that my home was wide open for attacks from the adversary—not only from within, as my husband and I were in constant conflict due to not understanding the crippling position he was in, but also open for attacks on my children with no one to guide them or help them to discern correctly. We were basically an open target as a family. Something had to be done.
ASKING FOR HELP
The stakes are high, and they are heavy. A man cannot be a patriarchal father—he cannot lead—if he is compromising in this area. After sharing with my husband how this was relevant to him, as well as the scriptures behind it—how the Spirit is not with him at all, nor has it been, he quietly sat at his desk for what seemed like a lifetime. He then turned his chair towards me, and with tears in his eyes, he quietly asked me for help. He pleaded with me to take on the spiritual leadership of our family, again expressing how he didn’t know what to do, or how to ‘hear’ the Spirit. He explained to me that everything I shared with him was accurate and that for years he had been trying to tell me what I just had said. The sad thing was that I had not been able to hear him in my moments of pride and anger, and had thought my husband was just trying to shrug his decree from God as the patriarch, as he had done so many times. But for some reason, I understood and could hear him now. Perhaps maybe because this time, I was seeking an honest answer on my part as a wife, from the Lord. Or it just was time to start healing this area of my home that was broken. For whatever reason, it was time to listen.
I have always been a leader inside of stewardships and circles of influence; I am not afraid to lead out when asked or if needed. Most of the years of my frustration towards my husband usually came about during our heart-to-heart talks as I would share with him ‘how to lead’ and ‘what needed to be done,’ in the hope something would take root. So when he asked me now to take on this role as he began his work in healing from this addiction, I proudly thought: “Sure, I can do this!”
IT IS TOO HEAVY
We set a date for me to step in and begin to carry the ‘burdens’ of my husband. We were planning to let our two girls (ages 19 & 21) who still live at home know how I would be temporarily helping them spiritually, and with them make decisions for the home that called forth for discernment and revelation—how I would basically be not only the matriarch but now also the ‘patriarch’ of the home. I explained to them about their father’s request for help, and how he needed time and space for healing.
The day came, and again I thought it would be rather easy—no problem—but I learned very quickly the weight and the responsibility that this title and calling actually has. Something happened that morning that caused me to cower.
God in his humor, I believe, saw that maybe I was not sufficiently humble, and therefore not ready to lead, or that I did not understand this calling, as well as I, thought I did. In His mercy, He gave me only a few hours of what it felt like in my husband’s role as a man spiritually, and the immense magnitude of it eternally. This weight was nothing I had ever experienced before. As a former owner of a private school, stepping into the role of man in the business sense for 10 years was nothing compared to what God had me experience for just those few hours. I felt the consequences if I were to make the wrong choice in dealing with my family. I felt the heftiness of the possibility of teaching incorrectly when expounding on scriptures, causing them to stumble. What if I didn’t rebuke well enough, or call out sin, and it falls upon my head? I saw just a glimpse of the paths my daughters were to take in life, and the expectations they had to be guided through with wisdom—and their vulnerability without that guidance. I felt the reality of what it looked like when sons do not see a father lead a family, or how to replicate being a Godly man.
There is a very real warfare discouraging men from living out how God created them to, with their leadership role in their homes—and for a small glimpse of time, I carried that entire burden. I shuddered at the pressure I felt, and I was humbled. Who did I think I was, that I was qualified to parade this heavenly role? That night I told my husband I could not carry the burden yet, explaining to him what God had shown me that day, and how it was too heavy for me—enough for me to buckle at the knees. I needed more time. Something within me also shifted: I felt mercy and compassion for the man I had made into an enemy for all those years.
DIFFERENT QUALIFICATIONS
Most women leave. They wish to start over, seeing no hope or long-term solutions. They leave hoping to save not only themselves but perhaps also their children, from repeating the same destructive cycles. I myself have considered it, longing for the freedom that might come from the deliverance from the tentacles of this vice in my life. But when I have contemplated this option, I have been given small moments when God has stepped in to show me a greater picture of what is happening—how my husband’s life matters, and that without someone stronger and willing to sacrifice to help him, he would never recover from his addictions. The battle over the control of his life was real; his soul was losing and would be lost.
I chuckle now, as I look back to the idea that I thought I could do a father or spouse’s role better or even more perfectly. It’s silly to have thought that since I knew how to lead, I could just do this divine calling that my husband had been given in the pre-existence. Somewhere in my head, I thought that because I felt qualified by life experiences and birth order that the Lord would simply let me ‘take over’ just like that. Little did I know that God was teaching me that leading a family is more than an act of service—that it was going to take everything I had within me if I wished to help break the chains of pornography that held my husband hostage. This was not something one could just do patterned after a business meeting—it was harder, and weighed more eternally than I could ever imagine. There are no rules, formulas, or steps when it comes to rescuing someone from the pit of hell and out of Satan’s grasp. The qualifications to do this were going to require humility, sweat and tears, prayers and fasting, and a deeper discernment than I have previously ever needed to use.
Scriptures command us to
“Bear ye one another’s burdens, and so fulfil the law of Christ.”(Galatians 6:2).
Recently, I have been studying what it means to carry each other’s burdens. Each of us is suffering. No one is lifting and building each other up. I learned that the role of a father and patriarch is more towering and significant than I had imagined after I felt what the Lord allowed me to experience that day. When a man (or woman) is struggling with this adultery of the heart and has lost the Spirit, they have lost an influential portion of agency they will need to stand as a leader. In dealing with pornography, or any addiction, the burdens are heavy, and the shackles are gripping. As Christians, we are called to bear these burdens, and the added strength and encouragement of others is often the difference between giving up or pressing on. This is a mission of saving souls—lifting one burden at a time, even if it’s ‘too heavy.’
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