BREAKING THE CHAINS OF PORNOGRAPHY (PART 3) “I WILL GIVE YOU A NEW HEART”

The sun was low in the sky, just minutes away from setting, and another day was coming to an end. A part of me wished this day had never begun as I sat there in the car overlooking the city, listening to my husband tell how his addiction to pornography had taken a turn for the worse. Not only had it cycled again, but this time it had plunged into an area no spouse ever wants to hear. As I sat there watching the last flaming rays of color fade into the heavens while listening to my husband’s sorrows and weighing the consequences that lay ahead—I felt an overwhelming sense of peace that everything would be okay. “But how could it be okay,“ I quietly asked under my breath. “Because you know you are the only one who can help him, and I will be there to show you how, by giving you a new heart.”

PORNOGRAPHY IS A FEMINIST MOVEMENT

Over the next months, peace disappeared—and the emotions within were like a long, dragged-out roller coaster ride with its large, upside-down loops and gripping moments of fear. I held on tight, remembering what had been whispered to me about a new heart I would receive. 

One morning I could feel my heart hardening, and that I was slipping. Words I spoke were patronizing and scornful and had no place in my home. My easy-going nature was now full of resentment, with glances of mockery and tremblings of agitations. What happened to the abundance of the Spirit I had enjoyed for the last few years? “God help me!” I yelled out as I was limping along in this spiritual struggle. It seemed as though Lucifer had come in with his dark clouds, and sought to fill up my soul with gloom. I turned to prayer, as I knew this bitterness would destroy me and my home if I did not rid myself of it. See, pornography, I believe, is a feminist movement in disguise. It has become another way for women to rise above their husbands who have become inadequate to lead their home spiritually. I know, because I teetered with this false notion. I have heard the whisperings of the devil in my head as he tries to use the situation of women, and my home, to grab more power and control.

Karl Marx and Friedrich Engels, the founders of Marxist theory, were fervid haters of patriarchal fathers and feminine mothers.  This hatred was fueled by their ultimate goal: dethroning the Eternal Father—forever.

Vladimir Lenin and other communists understood that reaching women was key to their goals in destroying the family patriarch.

Lenin taught:

Unless millions of women are with us, we cannot exercise the proletarian dictatorship, cannot construct on communist lines.  We must find our way to them, we must study and try to find that way. (Lenin on the Women’s Question: From My Memorandum Book, by Clara Zetkin, first published in 1925)

Lenin discovered this “way to them” when he acknowledged:

. . . women grow worn out in petty, monotonous household work, their strength and time dissipated and wasted, their minds growing narrow and stale, their hearts beating slowly, their will weakened . . . freedom for the woman from the old household drudgery and dependence on man.  That enables her to exercise to the full her talents and her inclinations.  The children are brought up under more favourable conditions than at home. (Ibid)

For me, these thoughts of drudgery came often in my years of marriage. Thoughts such as, “I am stuck” would fill my mind and the resentment of the type of marriage I had consumed me. After learning how men spiritually cannot lead—as they forfeit agency—with this addiction, I tried wholeheartedly to lead my own family out of the muck. But I failed, as I could not do it. Without immediate answers, I had to do something quickly. So kneeling that morning in prayer, out of desperation, I pleaded for help.  I needed a new heart now, as had been promised, and I had no idea how to gain one. During that prayer, I was told He would give me that love I desired while fighting on my knees for my husband. I had to put the work in, and pay the price to receive the change of heart I so desperately sought. I had to let go of the years of hurt I had experienced—but first I had to rid myself of my pride, once and for all.

A FOUNDATION OF HOLES

Pride is an ugly thing. It stands between us and God, and our loved ones. It comes in the form of a wall that was built in the name of protection, but over time turns into deep, thick barriers that prevent movement or access of any sort. This was me. I knew the barrier I had built had to come down. I have always wanted to feel true emotions toward my husband—emotions that I had not been able to feel due to a dark past. My marriage pains came long before I ever said, “I do,” as I am a survivor of a 7-men gang rape, attempted suicide, mental hospitalization, drugs, alcohol, and all forms of abuse to myself. These young adult years also consisted of idolatry—a heart shared with many—not reserved only for God. When I met Brad, he was like a breath of fresh air to me. He was broken himself—but feeling that his brokenness was nothing compared to mine, I gravitated toward him. From there, we married—but not before first adding a child to the situation (best part of my story).

So, jumping forward and after years of hardship in trying to build a marriage on top of a foundation full of holes, to say our marriage never really had a chance to be set in order properly would be an understatement. We both just jumped into survival and tried to do our very best with what we had, and knew, by building a marriage on what we had seen and were taught by our parents—but never dealing with the real issues which had caused feelings to be crammed, and much erosion and pride to set in. Just the thought of opening the past—and removing this barrier from experiencing real emotions—would send me into floor pacing, panic attacks, and emotional breakdowns which were camouflaged in an addiction to work. However, I knew God would help me with my current marriage issues as I had been changed, delivered, and rescued from my ugly past. And so I trusted Him. I had also seen God begin healing my family from the residue of years of unintentional neglect, by setting us on a correct course in restoring biblical family values. So I knew He could do it again, and that he could help me now with my marriage that was falling apart right before my eyes.

I QUIT

Not knowing where to honestly begin cleansing myself of pride, besides turning to the scriptures, I had a sudden thought about a little brown book I had hidden for over 15 years. Years ago I purchased this book all about love and using scriptures to define it. It also gave a simple daily assignment to try to help you put a new version of love into real-life situations. I attempted this book a few times, but could never get past the second week’s worth of work in it. I do not know why I held on to this book after having gone through so many purges of self-help books from my shelf. But here it sat—unfinished— perhaps for this very moment.

The book consists of 40 days of reading and application. I opened the book once more and began in hopes of finishing it this time. Day 1 “Love is patient” (Ephesians 4:2) “withhold any negative words.” Check. That was easy. Day 2 “Love is Kind.” (Ephesians 4:32). “Do a kind act for your spouse.” Again, check. Day 3 check, again easy. But then, all of sudden, I became crippled. Up until this point, they were simple tasks, asking not much of me—but then it started asking me to do things that Brad might really notice. I froze every time. Why could I not do those things?? Why did a simple phone call on Day 4 to “check in on him, and ask what I could do for him” turn into 3 weeks of stirring? Why could I not do this assignment? It was then that I realized how hard my heart had hardened over the years, and that a simple phone call to be thoughtful had stopped me dead in my tracks. I had called him a hundred times before with, “can you pick this up at the store,” or “don’t forget to call the mechanic,” etc. But in all of our marriage, I had never ONCE called to check on him—let alone ask him if I could do something for him. He would wonder what was going on, I knew—and then expect more from me, and I had nothing to give. So to refrain from arguments, I never gave him any affection. It was easier to be ‘cold’ than it was to love. 

After 3 weeks of fretting, and being unable to finish the assignment, I moved on to another assignment: Maybe there would be an easy one again. “Love leaves a good impression (1 Peter 5:14) “Think of a new way to greet your husband when he comes home.” Noted. Day 9 I quit (again).

I DID NOT KNOW I HAD SO MUCH PRIDE

What was wrong with me? I sat there recognizing the pride that was in me. Knowing how simple these acts were—but just like Lenin said—the drudgery resurfaced, and the thoughts of my station in life crept into my mind. It was not fair! Why did I have to change when I was not the one who was destroying our marriage with lustful behaviors? Why did I have to learn about love and do cheesy assignments? Why could I not just have a deep, heartfelt apology from him, and these sweet gestures given to me? However, that was not the plan. Why? Because it was I who wanted to learn what sacrificial love was—laying my own life down for someone else and everything to do with love. In my own life, I had felt that pure love of God as he had rescued me from hell long ago. I knew what it felt like to become a new creature and to experience the joy of repentance, the joy of higher living, and His tender mercies. Brad did not know this, nor had he ever felt what the love of God felt like. For 40 years he has sat as a puppet for Lucifer—acting out when he was commanded, as his agency was now gone.

Could I let go of all of my pride to rescue him from the buffetings of Satan through loving him correctly? Would it really work? 

Once again, I opened the book and looked at all of the definitions of what love was:

Kind, thoughtful, makes good impressions, protects, sacrifices, satisfied in God, patient, kind, not selfish, not rude, not irritable, believes the best, not jealous, is perfect, is Jesus Christ, encourage, elebrates godliness, endures, motivates, not lustful, faithful, cherishes, fights fair, takes delight, honorable, intercedes, promotes intimacy, seeks to understand, forgives, responsible, brings unity, accountable, is God’s word, is a covenant 

I flipped through the pages of assignments and again turned to prayer. This time, it was not just a few heartfelt prayers; this time I was willing to pay the price. Fighting on my knees through prayer became something I loved doing as I opened up my heart to God about Brad. Minutes turned into an hour quickly as I would cry out in need.

A NEW HEART

Six months later, I picked up the little brown book—once again with the attempt to follow through no matter the pain within me. I believed this time I was ready for a new heart. I had come to recognize during the six months my own adulterous heart—my own disobedience to God and his laws and my own remission of sins that was needed—that I was just as in the wrong, using pride as my excuse for obeying God when he commanded me to “love one another.” I once again started over, this time without a “what’s in it for me” attitude—this time without anger. 

As I began, something happened…

A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

Fifteen years, four attempts, and six months later—Day 9 was finally completed. Check! No panic attack, no anxiety that had been my crutch and friend for 30 years kept me from moving forward. I did it! I finally allowed myself to feel a real emotion—thoughtfulness—towards someone I intimately loved. 

This time another sunset was slipping into the horizon. However, no magnificent sunset with its jabs of oranges, yellows, and purples could ever replace the victory of that day. A sunset is a beautiful act of nature that occurs when the day turns into night—and so it is also, when one is given, a new heart to love.