MARRIED TO A PHARISEE (Part 1)

“God had a plan—using a farm and a family to show me how to apply His gospel to my very own marriage, and how to turn it around!”

For many years there was an ongoing, never-ending conversation between Brad and me. As we battled the ups and downs—the cycles of Brad’s pornography addiction—a war-like dialogue crept into our lives. This was not a conversation where one was willing to “fight” for someone, go to the “ends of the earth” or “suffer with one another.” No, this conversation was nothing short of selfishness that stemmed from broken laws, hurt, resentment, and anger. It would go something like this . . .

“I give up, this marriage is never going to work, we are just making each other miserable.”

“We are fine.” A turned back, and a rough response would come from my husband’s voice, which would show just how much we were not fine.  

“Your life would be so much easier if you found someone else, wouldn’t it be?”

Again, the words “I’m fine” are spoken followed by the slamming of the door, leaving no room to fix the issues but giving much time for the pattern to repeat.

Like other couples seized in this type of conduct—divorce is averted—once again. This was my marriage. And so we plummeted the downward spiral. 

PROGRAMS VS PRINCIPLES

My self-righteousness was not anything glamorous, only “filthy rags.”

In the past, I have written about my husband’s pornography addiction and our long battle with it. However, this time I want to write about my own weakness that played a critical role in the downward spiral of our marriage and what I have learned in recent years that literally saved us from divorce. 

From the beginning, I was clueless about how to handle the addiction. For the longest time, I felt that if my husband just followed the memorized rules outlined by the books on our shelves he would be just fine and we would not find ourselves—time and time again having these war-like conversations. Personally, I love programs! My nature is to obey. I am a rule follower—show me the rules and I will obey them with strict obedience—so to break them is not something I understand very well. My tolerance level for one who broke a rule was very low. I guess you could say I had the attitude of a Pharisee—especially in our marriage.

To give some examples, I would say things like . . .

“I follow the program, so I’m in good favor with God, but I do not think you are.” 

“I have my own misfortunes, but that’s between God and myself.”

“If you succeed harder at doing what’s right, then you would be greater off.” 

“Woe unto you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! for ye make clean the outside of the cup and of the platter, but within they are full of extortion and excess.” Matthew 23:25

Remember, Pharisees are all about outward appearances of righteousness. It is not that Pharisees did not keep the law, but they only kept what people could see and what made them look good. 

For 25 years we lived life like this—moving from one self-help program to another. I, with my Pharisaical attitude, was attempting to achieve “perfectionism” through man-made laws and trying to ‘enforce’ this with my husband—giving no mercy to his weaknesses. I would viciously attack my husband’s sins over and over, using God’s words to back me up—like a swift sword of justice. I often used rules to see if things were in check, forgetting that if God had a ‘step-by-step’ program to follow for broken relationships, He would have already revealed that—check chart, gold stickers, and all! My self-righteousness was not anything glamorous, only “filthy rags.” It was this attitude of righteousness, priorities, convictions, and standards, that I believed was holding my family together. However, it was actually playing its part in dividing and destroying it. I was holding Brad to standards that he could not live up to and because of it, there was a constant air of criticism and justified sentencing.

“I remember these as difficult years. All I wanted was help, not to be told to ‘get over it or move on’. –Brad

A Pharisee is described as a hypocrite—holding people to laws that they do not keep themselves. For me, it was not intentional as I love the scriptures and was sincerely trying to live them, but many times could not fuse the teachings into my own life. 

As I would read self-help books to try to work through the chaos, the message I would receive was that my husband was the one with the problem, not me. This thinking was demolishing our relationship. Daily I was being lifted up in pride to the point of ignoring my own weaknesses because they were either a justified reaction to his behaviors or not worth repenting of because they were “not as bad.” I sat in pride waiting for him to figure out his addiction and get on my “purification program” so we could finally move forward in our “celestial” marriage. 

The problem with our marriage was I did not have an understanding of what a true principle was. If you are like me and think programs and principles are the same let me share how they are not and what makes a principle so wonderful!  

A program is a set of activities, data, and instructions and includes an end goal in mind. Principles are God’s truths with a hundred more subordinate truths making it possible for everyone to progress at their own speed. A principle, unlike a program, can be applied to any situation or circumstance no matter what, not just to the issue you are dealing with at the time. They are timeless, eternal, and can not be destroyed. They provide protection and serve as a rule of action, and they are not spelled out in detail. (“What, no handbook?” Yep!) I didn’t know any of this at all as I had hundreds of marriage and parenting books sitting on my shelf, and my refrigerator was full of charts to manage and navigate through these things with my family. Oh, and lastly, a principle is taught most effectively by someone who has tested it and knows the principle themselves through life-long learning and personal experience. The Prophet Joseph Smith himself taught us all about relationships with others and how to work with people when he said:

“I teach them correct principles, and they govern themselves.” Joseph Smith. John Taylor, “The Organization of the Church,” Millennial Star, Nov. 15, 1851, p. 339.

Brad and I certainly were not great at using principles to govern with—at least now looking back— and I am not sure why we didn’t think this teaching of the Prophet would apply to our marriage. But somehow for me, I just never connected the dots. Ugh! 

REAL WORK

Little did I know, God had a plan for our marriage. His plan was brilliant, too. At the time I had no clue what He was doing, but I personally was about to be shown how to overcome my weaknesses using gospel principles with the beautiful backdrop of an 11.5-acre farm known as Highland Cathedral Estate. We would get to see firsthand what these principles looked like in a family setting—principles used to govern relationships. My slanted patience and love of programs were just about to be plowed through.

“It has been said that the number one weakness in our culture today is the lack of discipline. Families do not know how to work and apply real sweat to their own lives.”

From the very beginning, we were introduced to real work. We had heard about this farm, nestled a few hours away in Spring City, Utah, and the workload our friends were undertaking, so we decided to volunteer our help one day. For some reason, I had imagined there would be some kind of interaction that day among the families or a long lunch break. However, there was nothing special for their guests—no picnic or gathering to socialize and enjoy each other’s company, no stopping to chat even while in passing. It was a day of pure work—each family left to their own to find food and water. For our first day on the job, we attempted to help plant 1,400 trees. I had planted trees before—” easy task”, I thought, while sporting my thin, worn-out flip-flops and they in their military work boots. But our family humiliatingly fizzled out, as we were just not prepared.  During the hours spent that day on the farm, we took more than our share of snack breaks at the tailgate, and at every slight hint of sweat, we were there grabbing our water bottles to cool ourselves down. I remember thinking, “How are we supposed to work and carry a water bottle? Do we lay it in the dirt?”—afraid of being too far away from it and being overcome with thirst. 

“Our first day was ‘intense’—more than I expected.”—Brad  

It was so pathetic! Even though we left that day inspired by what we saw and felt, we were not prepared for this kind of labor at all—to push through when one is hot, hungry, tired, and with a throat that is dry. (Did I mention we were only there for half a day?) I always thought I knew how to work! A few weeks earlier, we had just sold an academy that we had built from the ground up and spent 10 years administrating. But for some reason this was different! 

It has been said that the number one weakness in our culture today is the lack of discipline. Families do not know how to work and apply real sweat to their own lives. We do not have the self-control to not watch inappropriate movies, govern our time on devices, eat what is best, even avoid pornography when presented, or in my case, the discipline to actually work through my own repentance. We are a society that hardly has any discipline at all and a culture that is led by food, fun, and fantasy. 

This was us. We had succumbed to this through the mundaneness of our culture. We fell for it. We bought the lies and had been lulled to sleep by it as a couple. My husband with his sins of pornography, and I with my own sins, had fallen into the culture of idleness and ease. Up until this point, we had not learned how to put our sweat into anything, especially something real like our marriage—only how to slam a door or spout out hurt feelings of injustice. Brigham Young explained it best when he said:

Let each person be determined, in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ, to overcome every besetment—to be the master of himself, that the Spirit God has put in your tabernacles shall rule; then you can converse, live, labor, go here or there, do this or that, and converse and deal with your brethren as you ought (DBY, 265–66).

As we began to visit the farm week after week and learn what it felt like to work—to push through hard situations and to not give up—things began to change at home, and I began to change. On the farm, you learn to work using principles such as ‘God’s timing, ‘adapting’ to situations, and ‘integrity’—doing your absolute best. There are no programs or memorized rules. We saw what would happen and just how much work could get done when people would team up as we worked with different Stoddard children on various projects.  

Each visit would present something new—whether it was equipment in need of fixing, sprinkler adjustments, or added perspective on how to tackle a challenging job—but the Stoddard family would come together and take the opportunity to walk through and problem-solve each situation they were faced with. I noticed this on one occasion when a child needed help, and instead of just teaching the individual child, their dad had everyone come and learn what happened, together. He would review broken principles and what could be done better next time. I loved how this was done as a family, and as a tender parent. At first, I thought “this is such a waste of time to stop work and show everyone how to shovel dirt. Shoveling dirt is not rocket science!” But believe me, I learned that there is in fact a science to it. I was humbled. Every time their dad extended patience and had everyone included in coming up with solutions, that area of weakness was strengthened not only for one but for all. 

However, not every visit we have made to the farm over the years has been a ‘non-stop’ work day as there is always needed time for amusement. The farm was a place to escape the hectic world. This skill of ‘problem-solving’ was not only used to unravel farm problems but often put to good practical use and tested when a good ol’ joke was being played on someone. Sometimes it was as simple as a cup of cold water poured down your back, or tools misplaced for you to have to go find. Other times there were strategic tricks played to scare someone. With over 11 acres the possibilities for pranks and practical jokes were endless. 

Lunch hour became everyone’s happiest hour of the day as we would gather around the large family oak table surrounded by hundreds (said with a slight exaggeration) of different chairs to choose from in the shop. Lunch would begin after the greens were gathered, hands were washed and the most beautiful prayers of love and gratitude were expressed. The first time I heard 14-year-old Ephraim pray, my tears swelled and ran down as this was no rushed “bless the food” type of prayer from a boy! No, this was one of the tenderest times of someone approaching God I had ever heard—as words of “show us the very best way to help others” or “help us to find ways to reach others” were spoken very slowly, meticulously, and reverently. He was not the only one to pray this way as each week I would hear depths of gratitude for the plants, the work, and for one another be expressed. Lunchtime talk always centered around assisting each other, and those visiting the farm that day, to live the gospel better. Many times I personally would come with my long inventory of reasons why I couldn’t do something as it just wasn’t my gift or talent, and instead of sympathy and understanding, I would immediately get teased—“you better get to work on solving those weaknesses as time is running out for you!”  or “There are no excuses for Zion.” So many times these conversations turned into times of laughter as enjoyment for the gospel was voiced and solutions were inspired—even for my own growth. Our family loved this hour of “happiness.”  

Once while we were weeding in a particular part of the garden I turned around and James Stoddard had brought a lawn chair to come to sit down in, and attached to the hip of a few children—coming from what seemed like all 4 corners of the farm, were brought even more chairs for everyone to rest in together. A gospel discussion slowly began and it felt like a regular Family Home Evening was happening right in the path of raspberries. We even attempted to disentangle some worldwide problems. This family always operated as a team either in play, learning together, or brainstorming even though their ways did not make sense to me at first (like really, who stops to chat in the middle of the day with lawn chairs—pulling everyone off unfinished tasks— on a farm?) I came to accept them, which contributed to the amount of work the family could get done very quickly.  

“A few days after visiting the farm I took Julie to dinner, I presented the idea of moving to the Sanpete area seeing that the vision of the farm was bigger than I thought, and they will need us.“—Brad

So it is in marriage. Solving problems together was a very weak area in our marriage. Solo parenting and then of course the addiction to pornography would often take away the ability to solve issues in the Lord’s way as the Spirit was diminished. Throughout a good portion of our marriage, there were never many opportunities to practice working through problems. Brad had worked 2-3 jobs to provide for our family, which left me to raise our children and run the home. We hardly saw him. It wasn’t until the first few children were already out on their own that he decided he should give up his evening job to have more time to be a father (see story here).

“How did they do that?” This was our conversation the entire drive home on our first day and for weeks that followed. With each visit came needed answers for my marriage and for my family, which were needed especially for a Pharisee like me! Learning to pinpoint problems and push through tasks at the farm helped give us a few more skills that were needed to use when it would get tough in our marriage.  My refrigerator decor of ‘taped charts’ was replaced with a coffee table full of books from inspired prophets, and the red markings in the margins gave hints that our family was now seeking what God had already revealed for the family. 

Not only would we learn how to work physically as a family—but now for something real. What we saw shown to us, we wanted as a family. We wanted to learn how to fight for family relations, and find a new definition of love as our eyes had been darkened for years of understanding what TRUE LOVE really meant. All that was about to change even more!

Part 2 Fight For the Family https://passingdownthefaith.org/fight-for-the-family-married-to-a-pharisee-part-2/

https://passingdownthefaith.org/2023/02/fight-for-the-family-married-to-a-pharisee-part-2/.html