FIGHT FOR THE FAMILY

(Married to a Pharisee part 2)

“What covenants and responsibilities did I take on in the pre-mortal life that I have forgotten?“

In today’s culture families just do not exist according to how God intended for them to be. No one lives by each other—everyone is spread out, children believe what they want, and family worship and traditions are built upon man’s definitions, not God’s. No one is standing up for each other at all. However, for me, I thought this was how families were running until I begin to see a family in operation patterned after scriptures and inspired leaders that changed my view forever. For my husband and me, our extended family relationships were poor. It was everyone for themselves, and sometimes there was no communication or visits with siblings for years. We both have families that are disconnected and no one seems to care for each other.

During our time on the farm, God was going to give us a new meaning of what it meant to be a real family. There on the estate, we saw a family team like nothing we had ever seen before. The approach to parenting was not an expected “to-do list” only to shamefully hover over their children waiting for that one misstep to correct. But each child, from the older to the younger, was being taught principles by their parents and then trusted to go and do—all executed without one eye-roll or complaint. 

Our son (age 21 at the time) who came to volunteer with us commented how different this family was. He was expecting a typical bunch of children who had no desire to be there. He expected teenage attitudes, accompanied by loud laughter and silliness. Instead, we all saw something completely different and foreign to us. 

Both Brad and I witnessed over and over the genuine respect and obedience that was shown toward their father because they loved him. We were taught visually what it meant to honor authority and from this respect their work was top-notch. We watched how he could continuously rely on his children to finish a challenging task—and they would—because they valued his approval! This was demonstrated even with siblings who worked together, the eldest leading and the younger ones following not out of force, but respect. No jealousy for a position or complaints about their role on the team. There was no tattling or running off while on the job, but complete harmony in relationships. What we watched that day, and since then, was not a ‘show’ for the Smiths in any way, this was their lifestyle.  

“James Stoddard played an important part in me catching the vision for what a father really looked like. I had no real examples to draw from in my life, and I wanted the same interaction I had witnessed on the farm, with my own children.” —Brad 

Year two on the farm was difficult as the Stoddards were experiencing the trial of divorce. When we would visit I expected hard, bitter feelings, resentment, tears, and all types of emotions. However, this was not the case at all. In fact, it was quite the opposite for this family now left without a mother. Not one member ever spoke ill—they protected their mother’s name, character, and privacy, always allowing space for her weaknesses to be overcome. Memories and stories were often shared with giggles and heartfelt love. I had been a family friend for 7 years, up to this point, so I expected to hear ‘more’ as we picked berries—you know, gripes, complaints, and put-downs but instead I only heard great adoration come from them. 

One particular day I asked the family, including their dad, “Would you take her back?” This is the day that the earth stopped in its rotation for me. This is the day that has had the most influence on my marriage and me personally. Every single one of them said “yes” without hesitation. What?! This made no sense to me. Why would you take someone back who has hurt you so? Despite the deep wounds they loved her and wanted to help her. This is the day I learned what a real family looked like and what it meant to fight for one another to the end—covenants are not something you just cast to the side or throw away. This had me pondering, and has caused me to re-evaluate ever since, the question “What covenants and responsibilities did I take on in the pre-mortal life that I have forgotten?“

Joseph Smith taught that we are to cover one another’s sins when he spoke to the Relief Society…

If you will throw a cloak of charity over my sins, I will over yours—for charity covereth a multitude of sins. https://www.josephsmithpapers.org/paper-summary/history-1838-1856-volume-c-1-addenda/20

LOVE TAKES ON A NEW MEANING

“We can not cast them out, but work where they are at, at the moment.”

I also learned about how to help those who are suffering both spiritually and physically—this time through the plants we cared for. I had an overzealous personality that needed to be tamed. Many times in the garden, I wanted to give up on plants we were caring for and would yank them out never giving it a second thought. But time and time again I was told to “leave them be.” I would hear “You do not always know what is going on underground.” To me they were dead, showing no sign of life at all—drooped over, discolored, and sometimes a bit ‘crunchy,’ but sure enough the next year, or even sometimes a couple of years later there would be regrowth!  

Not only was this taught to me in the garden but it was shown in the lives of this family outside the gated property. I would see how the Stoddards would help those who were suffering—’drooped over and dead-like—never giving up on them. People who had lost their testimony with seemingly no hope left. I would hear “We cannot cast them out, but work where they are at, at the moment.” I learned that hearts could be softened according to God’s will and timing. He may not send an angel, and He will never remove someone’s agency, but it does not mean He will not work miracles—whether small or large. As I watched my husband suffer with his struggles and weaknesses, and when I usually felt like having that war-like conversation, I would now leave it alone as I did not know what God was doing in the hidden channels of my husband’s soul. 

I personally was humbled when I watched James Stoddard suffer from a collapsed lung (and has since passed on due to lung cancer), and come to the farm when most of us in this situation would give up. No, not him. He was one-of-a-kind. He would be out of breath, holding his ribs from pain but still walking the grounds, giving instructions to those present, and showing at times—physically—what needed to be done for the day and in upcoming weeks. In his times of pain, he was still counseling others as they visited the farm.

Sacrifice was shown through the continuing selfless acts of this family. Sacrifice is the evidence of true love. Without sacrifice, love is not manifested. Without sacrifice, there is no real love. 

One tender moment I will never forget is when their dad took the time to teach our grandson Hanson about the excavator he had been eyeing. I knew James Stoddard was in a lot of pain that day, struggling to get air, so I felt I should not ‘bother’ him with the request of our grandson. However, he did not hesitate but slowly climbed up into the cab encouraging Hanson to come on board—sacrificing his health for a child’s desire and to create a lasting memory. 

This farm was not just for their family but for others. We watched back-breaking hours go into a family vision that would impact family after family and future generations. This father along with his children would show Brad and me what it looked like to physically lay down a life for others on this 11.5 acres by creating a “retreat for families to disconnect from the chaotic whirlwind of 21st-century life, walk nature trails, and experience practical self-sufficient living firsthand.” They would not do this for themselves, but for others to come and learn and heal. They would seek no financial gain from the farm. They researched which perennial plants would grow in the climate and began transplanting them from all over the world. They did not use any fertilizers or artificial weed killers and were going to heal the land naturally using God’s laws. Long hours from sun up to sun down gave everything they had to help others become self-reliant and independent.

John 15:13. “Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends.” 

 I watched how James Stoddard time and time again would work with my husband as a friend, always encouraging him to do better, including him in everything, and taking the time to help him learn the gospel more deeply.  

“James would take the time to expound scriptures which always came alive for me like nothing I had ever experienced, which helped me to grasp the gospel better.” —Brad.

On one occasion instead of our normal work meeting as was planned around the table, James Stoddard decided to start the lunch meeting with a question. I, who came ready with my plans for action and discussion for other related topics, was put on a halt. I will not lie—I was a bit frustrated for the time was short and there were a number of things to ask yet here he was, sitting like a child with a new toy just beaming. He was so excited. I myself waited now with great anticipation for his question as everyone was settling down in their seats only to hear “What do you think is the purpose of life?” I sat there thinking, “Are you for real? This is such a basic question.” He looked like he just discovered the secret to the universe and as he spoke these words with such enthusiasm, I looked around at the blank faces of a few sitting in the room and realized this was not going to be over anytime soon.  So I shut my notebook and pridefully spit out what I thought was the answer to only have it rejected. What? This time he not only beamed but seemed to almost explode with his secret. As answers were being thrown around like hot pancakes, he waited. Finally . . . sitting on the edge of his rocking chair and hearing enough— he shared how this life was all about JOY! Joy? That’s the concealed mystery? That was what the commotion was all about that he just caused. ‘Joy’ was what we gave up a work meeting for, to hear? 

That day I had come ready to hear how we were going to fix websites, write articles, and make plans for the next event during our visit to the farm—all in hopes of ‘helping people’—when in return I was taught HOW to truly help others from a man who had discovered it through a lifetime of service and excitedly shared it with all who were there that day. My lesson of true work had changed from ‘to do’ lists to now being a mission of the heart, and that by sharing the message of joy with others the real work would begin. 

I CAN NOT PICK AND CHOOSE

“You pick and choose celestial fragments while living a telestial lifestyle”

It has always been my desire to live a celestial marriage since I was a little girl. However, trying to live a patriarchal marriage never will work if you pick and choose celestial fragments while living a telestial lifestyle. It just doesn’t work—and this was my problem and God knew it. I had to not only change outward behaviors but change my heart with new definitions as a follower of Jesus Christ, and take the beam out of my own eye. Satan tries to tell us that “we married the wrong person and that is why there is so much difficulty.” 

When taking a deeper look at my relationship, shockingly, I discovered that my husband’s problems were not solely responsible for the issues in our marriage. I also maintained failings that were causing problems or chose things not according to scripture. And just as I was suffering from his shortcomings, he was suffering from mine. 

God helped put my marriage in more order—not by fixing my husband’s problems, but by helping me see my own and showing me mercy where I was wrong. He showed me how gospel principles could create order and dismantle years of chaos quicker than any counseling program. The years I have spent on the farm were never for the Stoddard family, but for me and my incorrect attitude that was far from godly. When Christ taught us how to love one another He told us to first focus on the sin in our own lives before moving too quickly to help others with theirs and what they are not doing.  

“Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5

There is no way we are perfect at these principles since we have begun making the changes needed to achieve this. But the efforts we have made have strengthened our marriage and family and brought us closer together. No longer is my husband married to a Pharisee running around quoting the handbook of rules whenever she could. I have come to understand just how ridiculous I was to prod at the speck in my husband’s eye when I myself had a plank bulging out of my own face. 

“Julie’s transformation affected the spirit of our home, family, and marriage. As her heart softened she showed more patience. The contrast allowed me to see where I was lacking and I began to feel the desire to change. I no longer felt compelled to be better but sincerely wanted to be better. Even though her pace was faster, purging self-help books and programs which would at times frustrate me, I would not have her change anything as it has had an impact on me for good. She became more determined to not let any more children become wayward and had a fixed determination to reach the next generation, correctly.”—Brad

From these visits, I can say I have learned to push through my own sufferings that have come into our marriage in the last few years. When things would get really rough in our relationship, the things I saw and learned on the farm would come into my mind “to not abandon covenants,” “to not give up on my spouse,” and “that real love is to cover another’s sin, and to suffer.” Both Brad and I learned to not run away when it got hard, but to make others, each other, and our family—the next generation—our driving force, too. 

The good news is that you too can learn how to apply principles in your home. This is the blueprint to building a home centered around Christ, yourself! Principles are not limited to marriage or found only by working on a farm. They can help teenage rebellion, small children who struggle with obedience or help rescue a suicidal child. Changing from living a life of programs to using God’s principles is the answer, and you can do it too.